The Grammy Awards

1. Alicia Keys. I saw that horrible superbowl pre-game performance and Alicia Keys has a long long long way to go before she earns respect. Her silly little duet with cartoon Frank was embarrassing at best. And her faux-hawk is as silly as her superbowl dancing. I hope this is not indicative of how this grammy show will go.

2. Carrie Underwood + Stomp = Crap. It might have been an interesting performance if they had left out the Carrie Underwood part. Girlfriend still dances like she's on a horse, despite the zillions of dollars she has spent on a stylist and makeup artist. I hate American Idol. But I do like her boots. Wish I could pull them off..

3. Prince. Never say die. Boyfriend hasn't aged in 20 years...I wish he were performing! But he presents to Alicia Keys and she proves she is the dullest artist at the award show...

4. The Time. Holy flashback, Batman! Ooo-eeeee-oooo-eee-ooooo! Fantastic right up until they brought out that Rhianna chick. She proves that talent is necessary for success in the music industry-ella-ella. Is she wearing a hula skirt? Rhianna and Prince have the same hairstyle, but it looks much better on Prince.

5. Tom Hanks. Hello? Aren't these the Grammy's not the Oscar's??? He honors the Beatles. Yoko sits with Ringo and they seem to be enjoying themselves. I like Cirque Du Soleil and I like the Beatles. Together they are surprisingly dark and twisty. Was Let It Be used in a movie or something? I have no idea what the video clips are from, but the gospel version of let it be is the highlight of the show so far.

6. Cyndi Lauper and Miley Cyrus. Weirdest combo ever to present an award together. Amy Winehouse wins for best new artist because she's the only one on the list I've ever hear of and honestly I've only heard of her because of her nutty drug-enduced behavior.

7. Jason Bateman. I've had a crush on him since I was like 10 so I'm glad he's on my tv, but I am wondering why, considering these are the Grammys and not the Emmys... He claims the Foo Fighters are going to be playing outside in his venue. Jason announces the reality star for the night, proving even the Grammy Awards are a reality television show. The winner gets to play with the foo fighters, which makes me kinda mad because the foo fighters already have an awesome violinist. And why the heck do they have to play outside? I guess I should just be happy that they don't have to play with Rhianna.

8. You know you suck when your glow in the dark technology shows up the rest of your performance. Glow boy is now singing about mama so I am gonna guess that this is Kayne West.

9. Before each commercial break, some unreadable crap rolls across the screen and seems to list award winners, but on my non-hd broadcast tv I can't read it. As fergie sings with John Legend, I realize two things. One, I only like a teeny fraction (what? 5%? maybe 2%?) of music and two, that they are not actually handing out awards in this award show and I had better start trying to read that little cnn ticker. Fergie looks incredibly uncomfortable trying to actually sing.

10. Cher. She's wearing 1000 times more fabric than she used to but she still looks hella crazy -- like she's the bride of Frankenstein. Beyonce forgot her pants. Power, sista! She's trying to make it okay for thick thighed women everywhere to show their legs. Tina Turner must be 100 years old and her legs still rock. She looks a little dazed and confused and her face work has made it difficult for her mouth open enough to scream, but girlfriend is still rockin'...in stilettos!

11. Song of the Year. Amy Winehouse. Seriously? That's the best song of the year? Maybe the academy or whoever is trying to be ironic...

12. FOO. Jason Bateman explains that the Foo Fighters are outside because they are simply too big for Staples Center. Awesome. They do not disappoint. No show, just serious rock and roll. Love that they gave the same performance here in Reno a week ago that they are giving to the Grammy crowd. Boys give 110% whenever they take the stage. The backup orchestra was a little trippy. The reality star violinist played with the orchestra and not the band. Dave Grohl is officially my rockstar boyfriend of the day. May he never cut his hair or pull it behind his ears and God bless the editor who put in all the clips of Taylor singing. Thank you, Foo. One Grammy down (although they failed to mention what exactly the grammy was for). Four to go...

13. Brad Paisley. I hate country music so I might be a little biased here. But seriously, did he just sing I'd like to check you for ticks? And just because your last name is Paisley doesn't make it okay that your guitar is glitter paisley.

14. Kayne. Best Rap something. His head is carved MAMA. I'm trying to believe he's not exploiting his mother's death, but is a tribute to her. He waxes on incoherently (to me, but I'm old) and then bitches that they start playing music. The music persists and he drones on. Then he starts talking about his mother. I'm sure he's not exploiting her death. And then he bitches some more about the music and guilts them into to stopping it, which they do. And now I'm sure he's exploiting her death.

15. Aretha. Gone gospel. I dare not make light of gospel...

16. Fiest. Balls to get up there all alone. Very quirky and interesting...

17. Kid Rock and old lady. Laughs. I love Kid Rock and he almost sounds like he can sing as he does his best Frank Sinatra inpersonation. Whoever put this together has excellent sense of humor... They present rock album and FOO Win! Echoes is easily the best album that I've heard in years so I'm stoked they won. Would have understood if Bruce won, though... Grohl dedicates the award to his daughter Violet and secures his place as Rockstar Boyfriend of the Day ;)

18. Alicia Keys Take Two. She sheds her piano to show she also forgot to put on pants. It seems like on such a grand occassion as Grammys, one would double check to see if they finished getting dressed. john Mayer, for reasons beyond my imagination, tries to save Alicia Keys to no avail. Girlfriend should go back to Disney songs.

19. Ringo and Dave Stewart are definitely separated at birth.

20. Amy Winehouse. This is the first song I've heard that isn't that rehab song and it pretty much sucks. Winehouse doesn't really sing either song she more speaks the words and drones on a bit. I'm not sure what the big appeal is, other than the fodder she provides for the paparazzi. I think Fergie is a better vocalist. Yet Winehouse wins record of the year (beating my Foo Fighters) and I'm started to get irritated. Winehouse didn't appear to have a clue what was happening. Foo 1/2

21. Jerry Lee Lewis, Little Richard, and John Fogerty. What a trip to see a million year old Jerry Lee Lewis rock out. Little Richard hasn't aged a day and Fogerty can still rock.

22. Album of the Year. Of course, I was rooting for the Foo Fighters but I'm just glad that Winehouse didn't win... Herbie Hancock took the award home. He said it had been 43 years since a jazz artist won Album of the Year, so I guess it was overdue... Foo 1/3

23. Wrap it up. Overall the show SUCKED! I'm off to read the list of winners because I have no clue who won 99% of the awards... Things that should have been on the show and weren't:

Bruce Springsteen "Radio Nowhere": Best Rock Song and Best Rock Solo Performance
Foo Fighters "The Pretender": Best Hard Rock Performance 2/4